Embracing dislike
I
Nobody likes being disliked. In a world that places a high value on social acceptance, it’s natural to want to be liked by those around us. However, the reality is that being universally liked is not always possible, nor is it always desirable. There are moments in life when standing firm in one’s beliefs, making tough decisions, or simply being true to oneself may lead to disapproval or even dislike from others. While this can be uncomfortable, developing the ability to handle such situations is crucial for personal growth and mental well-being. Sometimes, there’s no other way than just being disliked.
II
At a company I worked at, I was tasked with managing the development of a new prototype within a tight two-month deadline. As a Product Manager with experience on a few products, I found this project particularly intriguing due to its sophisticated AI algorithms.
The business goals and desired product outcomes were clear, but we faced a significant challenge: we lacked crucial touch-points with the customer. Despite numerous attempts to arrange frequent meetings, the customer was too busy, leaving us to make more assumptions than I was comfortable with. After extensive brainstorming with the team and consulting a select group within the company, we decided to pursue the simplest possible solution given our constrained time-frame.
We initiated the prototype development, starting with the UX research and product design team. To my surprise, they needed as much time to develop wireframes and product screens as we had to deliver the entire prototype. This led to intense discussions. The UX team rightly insisted on following a thorough process, and I agreed with their perspective—building without a solid plan often results in more work down the line.
However, we were under severe time pressure. The timeline had been unofficially agreed upon before I joined the project, leaving us in a difficult position. This situation strained the relationship between the product team and the UX researchers, and as the new person responsible for managing the project, I found myself feeling increasingly disliked by a significant portion of people in the company. This perception of being disliked impacted my ability to work effectively, at the same time struggling to balance the demands of the project with maintaining positive team dynamics.
Despite facing significant stress and intense pressure, the team rose to the challenge and successfully delivered the project.
III
When people grow up, they develop mechanisms to minimize the chances of being disliked. These behaviors, often rooted in a desire for social acceptance, are common among individuals as they navigate the complexities of relationships and social interactions during their formative years. While these mechanisms may serve a protective function in the short term, they can also lead to long-term discomfort and psychological challenges.
A study published in the Journal of Personality explored the psychological impact of people-pleasing behaviors and found that individuals who frequently engage in these behaviors are more likely to experience negative emotional outcomes, including feelings of resentment, frustration, and burnout . The pressure to constantly monitor and adjust one’s behavior to maintain social approval can also lead to a phenomenon known as “social exhaustion,” where the effort to manage others' perceptions becomes overwhelming.
The need to be liked and accepted by others is a fundamental aspect of human nature. Research in developmental psychology suggests that children as young as preschool age begin to adopt behaviors aimed at gaining social approval and avoiding rejection. This tendency is closely linked to the concept of social conformity, where individuals modify their behavior to align with the expectations of their peer group or social environment .
As children grow into adolescence, the drive for social acceptance often intensifies. Adolescents are particularly vulnerable to peer influence, and the fear of being disliked can lead to the development of coping mechanisms such as people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and excessive agreeableness. A study published in the journal Developmental Psychology found that adolescents who place a high value on peer approval are more likely to engage in conformity behaviors, even when those behaviors conflict with their personal values or beliefs . These patterns can persist into adulthood, shaping how individuals navigate social situations and relationships.
IV
Being disliked is something most people want to avoid, but it's important to understand that not everyone will like you all the time, and that's okay. Trying to be liked by everyone can lead to compromising your own values and beliefs. Instead, focus on being true to yourself and making decisions that reflect who you are, even if it means facing some disapproval from others. This is an essential step toward personal growth and maintaining your mental well-being.
This isn’t something seasoned professionals face; it’s a challenge that can emerge as soon as you start making significant contributions or taking on responsibilities. The sooner you learn to accept that being disliked is sometimes a part of being effective and authentic, the more resilient and confident you’ll become in your professional journey.
In professional settings, it’s crucial to prioritize the goals and purpose of a project over the need to be liked by everyone involved. Sometimes, making tough decisions might make you unpopular, but these decisions can be necessary for achieving success.
It’s also important to recognize when your actions are driven by a desire for social approval rather than staying true to your values. Constantly trying to please others can lead to stress, burnout, and resentment. Learning to manage this need for approval by setting boundaries and choosing integrity over conformity can help you maintain your energy and focus on what truly matters.
Encouraging open and honest communication in your teams is another key point. Disagreements should be seen as opportunities for growth, not as threats to social harmony. When team members feel safe to voice their opinions without fear of being disliked, it leads to better decision-making and innovation.
There are many ways to do this, using team retrospectives as a powerful tool to reflect on recent projects and interactions. In these sessions, encourage open dialogue where team members can discuss what worked well and what didn’t, including any conflicts or tensions that arose. By addressing these issues openly, you create an environment where feedback is seen as constructive rather than personal. This not only helps to resolve misunderstandings but also strengthens the team’s ability to handle disagreements in a healthy way, making it easier for everyone to accept that sometimes being disliked is just part of the process of achieving the best outcomes.
Understanding the psychological effects of people-pleasing behaviors is important as well. These behaviors can lead to long-term discomfort and challenges. Sharing this knowledge with others can help them recognize these tendencies and work towards overcoming them.
When you do encounter situations where you are disliked, use them as opportunities for reflection and personal growth. I know many people who use journaling as a way to process these experiences. This is a technique I use myself as well. By writing down your thoughts and feelings, you can gain clarity on what happened, why it affected you, and what you can learn from it. Over time, the practice of frequent self-reflection can lead to greater self-awareness and resilience, making it easier to handle similar situations in the future with confidence and grace.
References
Subjective and objective peer approval evaluations and self-esteem development: A test of reciprocal, prospective, and long-term effects - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27690495/